future....

well its been a while since i last wrote. many things hapenned (as usual)..first up, man. utd. went for the training and game..it was good seeing my parents at the game....was so happy to see them..



i've been thinking a lot about my life the past few weeks. tigger told me that there is a possibility that his parents will go see my parents end of this year to talk about engagement and marriage. of course hearing bout this made me feel happy but i still have a lot on my mind like money and where are we going to settle down, etc....and then there is the subject of children. i'm not sure how many i want but i hope all my future children will be happy having me and tigger as parents. of course i want them to have the best education, best home, best life possible...but i'm not sure whether i want to raise them in this country...i'm still keeping my dream of starting a family in australia or new zealand...actually coem to think of it, any good country would do...dont get me wrong, i love this country but the things that have been going on for the past few years is really making me sick...today was the day that made me reassure myself that i wont be raising my children here when i saw the clip of a few men beating up a guy in police custody. there was speculation that it was "tbh" but it was quite blur so it was hard to decipher...but that clip was really out of the line and i promise myself that i wont raise my children here and i might also want my parents to come live with me (whichever country i choose to live in the future)..of course tigger's parents might not want us to move to another country but......(we'll see)...i really dont know about my future...i always have a plan for myself for the future but this time its all a blur and i cant really pull myself together to make any plans at all as i really dont know where to start....



on a lighter note, i got a raise in my salary although it was not equivalent to the amount of suffering i've to go through...hmmm...its been a year working here and i've gone through shit but i'm still surviving....i've become stronger and more patient...i really dont know how long will i be in this firm or where i'll be heading in the future but i guess no matter what, i'll survive..i will be able to go through it...i just hope everything goes well for me....

i miss mummy and daddy so much....its been a month since i last went back home...i miss my home and my real bed....

married???

its been so long since i last wrote...many things happened..most of them i dun even wanna mention....some are good but most are bad..anyway, i'm looking forward to the man utd game next week (july 17th for training n 18th for the game against the malaysian team)...dad got the tickets so i'm pretty excited...now i know arsenal is my fav team but who would wanna give up the chance to see to see man utd especially when they've already got tickets....

this sunday will be meeting my primary school friend in 1u whom i've not seen for at least 13 freaking years!!! she called me few weeks back out of the blue and said she misses me a lot and wanna meet up so that would be this sunday....

normally the weekends would be crappy for me as i usually stay at home watching dvds n eating n cleaning the hse but not this week....and i'm quite excited as i get to brush up on my social skills...tigger is going for his hotel's futsal tournament this sunday and he doesnt need to work so i might be able to see him longer this time...speaking of him, his bro suggested that we be the first to get married n not his 2nd bro as planned...i was kinda shocked when i first heard tigger told me..then i said i think its best if we get engaged next year and get married in 2011....i need to plan everything accordingly especially financial wise....plus i dun think getting married this year or next year is wise for me as i'm still planning for my life goals n plans.....of course when i was younger i used to say that i would wanna get married when i reach 25, but as i grow older i started thinking a lot about life and all that and even though getting married is something that almost all my friends have been thru, its just not the time for me..YET. getting married is a big step and i've not even discuss this with my parents..i'm not sure what they'll think bout it.....

bye.

am i disturbing u? did i do anything wrong to u? i thought u were always cool with me....then why the fuck are u not answering my messages? why do u always ask me to contact u and when i do, u dont answer me or give any reply? am i such a lousy friend? i seriously dont know what the hell is wrong with u....i mean, i'm grateful for what u have done for me...but why r u suddenly giving me the shit when i have done nothing but being grateful to u? i always regard u as one of my most trusted friend in the world but i guess u just never liked me at all...i guess u prefer the other one than me..although it doesnt make any sense as to y is there any preference in the first place... well, thanks for being my friend anyway...call me when u r bored or when u want to kill time...as u know, u can use me as much as u want....because unlike u, i'm the type of person who appreciates friends as i only have a handful...

bye.

sometimes when u feel like everything is in order and blissful, something or rather someone will come to destroy it. when u r at the point where no one can help u, what do u do? give up or continue this damn fucking life?

i'm currently at a very low point in my life right now. i've made the necessary complains and all but it is still the same. what can i do? where can i go? i hope someone can come hold my hand and save me from this mess. i admit there are times when i feel like ending my life. since no one can help me, the only thing i can do is to go away from this earth.

i complained to tigger but there's nothing he can do. all he can offer is advice. i complained to mum but there's nothing she can do. in fact i think she's a little fed up with me. everytime i call her i feel like she just cant wait to put down the phone. am i such a disappointment to u? am i really embarassing to u? i complained to hairen but there's also nothing she can do. i complained to sara and andrea but nothing...

should i end my life just so everyone can live in peace? so that they dont need to hear my complains anymore? every second, all i can hear in my mind is die...die...die...

i'm sick and tired of all this... i need to end this... now.

i'm losing my mind again. i cant think properly. sometimes suicide even comes to my mind. other days, i just feel like running away. i just cant sit in the office doing nothing. most of the time i've to wait for her to come into the office to settle all my work. and she's hardly in office nowadays. i kmow its for a serious matter but i just cant take it. why am i stuck here? why must i be tortured here? jobs are difficult to find in this bad state of economy. nowadays i find it hard to sleep at night. i hate my life. i hate staying here. i hate the people here. i hate everything in my life now.

tigger's got a job interview for internship in singapore. if he really get the job, it'll be worst for me. that time i think i'll just give up on life. however i cant ask him to stay here for the sake of me. i've to let him go for his own future. and when its time, only then will i know what to do.

u.

-u were nvr there for me, so stop pretending that u care about me. i know i dont.

-u pretend that i'm your bestest friend. but please. i dont need u.

-u think i dont know what u're doing behind my back. but think again. i'm not as dumb as u think i am.

-everytime i see u, i feel like that is the end of the world.

-i hate seeing u so happy behind me but when i'm around, u act as if someone raped u just to get sympathy from me.

-dont get me started on ur pathetic emo life.

-i think i should ask chris brown to whack u nicely so that u know what it feels like to abandon ur friends.

-i noticed that everytime i said i wanna do something or buy something or go somehere, u will overtake me and do it. get a life.

-i think u're just a piece of shit, no?

-one day when u've realised ur mistakes, u'll see that it's already too late as i've moved on. having a much better life without u. thanks, much.

lately i've been feeling empty. like no emotions or feelings. i really dont know why. met up with andred and sara yesterday and although i've not seen them for quite some time, i didnt feel excited or happy. of course i was laughing all the way when they were joking around but then i still feel empty inside. even now, at work, i feel so low and emotion-less. i need some excitement in my life. i need someting to look forward to. well, actually there is. i'm going back to melaka this saturday as monday is a public holiday. but i still feel empty because it'll be another 4 days till i go back.

tigger started his new job in jaya 33 in nagomi. he works 8 hours per day with 3 hours of break!!! what a nice job. halfway work can go back to sleep for a couple of hours and then back to work again... best...

dad came last saturday. was soooo glad to see him. we then went to my sen sei's house in kepong. had lotsa sushi. yumm yumm.. after that my cravings to make sushi came back after it was gone for a year. hehe... will try to do it now that i have more time on my hands.

semua pun boleh...

the malaysian political situation is becoming more and more like a scene from the o.c. or one tree hill or ugly betty. it is so ridiculous sometimes to see that some of these politicians act a fool in front of the nation and dengan tak malu some more. from the murder to the sd drama to the sodomy to the "naked" pics to the scuffle in front of parliament. there is a reason why i put the word naked in an inverted comma. its because its not even a naked pic. i dont know what these ppl thought when they saw the pics. bukannye bogel pon...

today's news was the karpal singh case where the bUMNO flers wanted to berlawan with him cos he called them "celaka". i really dont get it. there was only protest when the idiot fler called the non-malays "pendatang" but when karpal called them "celaka", they wanna bertumbuk pula...some more outside the parliament and the secutrity wasn't doing anything to calm the situation. i'm getting very fed-up with all these la. there are more important issues to tackle like the economy, poverty and "murder". but all these ppl care about is who said what to who, who did what to who and who make what with who...

they have to buck up now or face another hummiliation wen everyone losses faith in the govt.

i hate all the three punk tarts!!!

sometimes ppl juz dont learn from either their own or other ppl's past experience. living in this cruel world, they need to know basic survival skills and a brain. in this era, the most important thing is of course not to trust anyone (except maybe your own family members...that is also sometimes not true). secondly, one needs to be smart...and when i say smart it's not in the sense of education, more of in the sense of street smart. be smart and learn to be safe and cautious...dont do stupid mistakes... if nothing excites you in your life, dont pandai-pandai go find trouble just cos you were bored or to show off. i have a friend (or used to have...i'm ashamed to call him my friend) lets call him jon. well, jon is known for his very notorious behaviour. however he's not ott when me or some of my friends are around. it seems he likes to show off, act cool in front of girls and be friends with almost anyone (konon-nye a happening guy la). the thing i dont like is about him is that i hate ppl who pretends to be goody-goody in front of you but is a maniac behind you. i've never liked this friend and after the news i heard today, i will never have respect for him.anymore. i wouldn't even wanna see him or talk to him because i know all my advice will go to the longkang so i'd better not waste my saliva.



another thing i learn today is appreciate everything you have in your life...be it your family, job, education,etc...because someone else is having a much harder and tougher life. dont ask for more when you already have enough, dont take advantage of those around you and dont be too greedy. greed will get you nowhere except into some very dirty and horrible place.



its been a moody week. and i dont like it. i prefer to have a bright and sunny day and rain at night. i cant even go anywhere without taking into consideration that it might rain anytime.



daddy is coming this saturday for some aikido function. not sure whether mummy is coming or not. hope she comes. anyway, i ordered some food from her and she said she'll prepare them for me (yipee!!!)



last night my roommie came back late and started packing her stuff in the dark as she does not want to disturb me but it was a bit noisy and creepy. i think she's moving either this friday or saturday. after this i'll have no girl to complain about work and my housemates except for tigger, of course. i'm quite sad actually cos she's a much better roomie than mrs. bean. anyway, when i woke up today, half of her things were gone and she even took off her bed sheet. felt so sad.anyway, i hope she's ok and will not get too stress about her work...

this few weeks have been like a roller coaster ride. many things happened which made me realise that i need to do more to improve myself as a person.

first up, my first ever experience at batu caves for thaipusam. it was really a last-minute decision to carry the milk pot. i had to get a yellow punjabi suit and the pot which i bought in klang. on the day itself, we woke up at about 12 something a.m. and reached there at about 2 a.m. then we had to go to the river to get the blessing of the priests and the starting of the milk pot journey. i was actually quite terrified because before my turn, i saw some of them who took the milk pot was actually possessed. i thought it would also happen to me once i carry it. i almost wanted to quit but decided that since i've already bought all the stuff, i might as well just do it. thank god i wasn't possessed like them :) so we walked from the river to the 200 over steps and up the cave and then giving the pot to the priest to pour it over the statue of the god. all the way up to the cave, i was saying all my prayers and hopes and dreams. all in all, it was a great experience for me and i vow to go there every year.

just got to know that my boss' husband had cancer of the nose. poor thing.... he actually cried yesterday when someone called to ask about him. i know what it's like to go through it. so these few days, they've been in and out the office and i just dont wanna complain much.

on a lighter note, i passed my cfm paper!!! yay.... now, i can officially say i have 2 degrees and i do not need to sit for anymore exams.... i only need to work towards getting the necessary work experience and then i can apply for my license as a chartered secretary. however, i still want to work and build my career and life either in australia or new zealand. i'm still looking for ways to apply to work overseas. with my ciput salary here in malaysia, i cant progress and improve so i need to get away from here...

dead

i'm at a very low point in my life right now.... nothing seems right for me... everything from work to my god-damn apartment. work especially is really pissing me off. now the beloved hubby is in hospital and she has not been in office for about 2 days. and i got scolding by many people most notably that bloody datuk.

my fucking apartment is another headache. one of them will go in the toilet from 7.30am-8am. what the hell!!! becasue of that i've to wake up extra early but sometimes i overslept so i'll have to wait for that bitch to come out and it pisses me off to see any one of them.

why cant i have a peaceful life?

is it only peaceful for me when i'm dead?

what the fuck?!?!

got scolding from a client this morning. and its a client who has been nice to me all this while. i think he cannot tahan anymore because this time he really was pissed. before this, he was very soft-spoken. anyway he complained that my dear boss didnt do her job and its been pending for few weeks. now that its late, there will be penalties imposed on them. fuck! she's handling the file and now i kena marah pula just because he called the office and she's not around (as usual). i really feel like punching her face la. yesterday, she was dunno doing what at her table and she suddenly feel asleep. i mean, hello.... you're not the one doing all the work in the office and you feel sleepy??? and because of your cough yesterday i almost kena jangkit from you. luckily i feel much better now. see, i'm stronger than you mentally, physically and emotionally. argghhh...i cant wait for tomorrow to end. i just cant take it. stupid ass bitch...

my anger now is at tahap gila..... this morning, a client came in and told me he had an appointment at 9.30 am. so i called the pelahap and she said she'll be there in 5 minutes time. so i told the client la and i can see from his face that he's pissed. he said that if they're not here by then, he'll have to leave cos he has other appointment. so in they came at 9.45am. spoke to the client for about 15minutes and then the client left and suddenly i noticed that the office is exceptionally empty and quiet. then i realised that they left for god-knows-what. argghhhh...i totally hate and despise them. furthermore, she has been having very bad cough these past few weeks and she doesn't close her mouth everytime she coughs and last night my throat felt a bit pain and today i have slight sorethroat. ahhh fuck her....some more i asked her about my increment last monday and she said she usually give increment on annual basis. annual my ass la!!! other people get increment after confirmation ok. booooo.... some more takde bonus. what kind of stupid system is that...

increment/bonus? - ilek(tamil for dont have)

i've been doing a lot of cleaning and clearing up in my office. so many unnecessary rubbish occupying the office...no wonder there are hardly any space around. some more last friday she and beloved hubby left early so i took the opportunity to clear up whatever i feel is unnecessary. plus, she asked me to try to give any ideas to change the outlook of the office so as to make it more spacious as she does not intend to move to a new place due to the economy. in the end, i have to do everything. i dont mind doing everything, but guess what??? she doesn't even give me increment after confirmation. also no bonus. i intend to ask her about my increment today. fingers crossed.

on a happier note, i managed to get a bus ticket to melaka this saturday at 9 am. at first i was supposed to tumpang sara but last minute she told me that she forgot that her back seat got no seat belt. what the...??? i asked her a couple of weeks back as to whether can tumpang and dont tell me she nvr thought of it??? arggghhh...i'm not mad about being uninvited but because she nvr tell me earlier...because of that i've to ask dad to buy me a ticket but he told me that there are no more tickets for transnasional. so i've to go all the way to pudu to get ticket. luckily the oh-so reliable kkkl has tickets for saturday. if all buses are out of tickets, i dunno what to do la....tension....

pelahap!!!

rupa-rupanye my boss pelahap went to bali for a friend's wedding. some more can talk about it the whole day yesterday when there are lots of work to be done. ishh ishh.... even when clients came or when they call, she also told them. adoi..no need to get so excited la. plz get all the work done first then when there's extra time, that's when u can talk about it la. these few days not much work is done cos of her. my hatred towards her and her pelahap husband is increasing by the minute. even now she's not in the office...boo to idiot people...

but....i'm calm cos i'll be going back to melaka next saturday for 9 days. yes yes...i wont be seeing their faces for 9 whole days.

so last saturday, i went for slumber party in tigger's house. in short we went to kepong, renaissance hotel and royal park hotel in kl. both the hotels were for the airline interview. they said they'll call him if he gets the job. i hope he does cos i want him to be happy with the job that he wants.

this week, i'll be slumbering in tigger's house as well. we might go to the mid valley jobstreet career fair...

what i miss and dont miss and dont like...

i miss my mummy and daddy. i miss adrian. i miss melaka. i miss eating the melaka raya wan tan mee, the chicken rice ball, the banana leaf rice, the roti canai, the chai tau kue, the bkt beruang pasar malam mee goreng and the jiki's kue teow soup. i miss melaka's short distance routes. i miss going to mahkota parade and dataran pahlawan. i miss going out with friends. i miss the aikido ppl who have great sense of humour.

i dont miss the irritating friends who used me. i dont miss the bastards who gave me hell few years back. i dont miss the "friend" who pretended to be my friend just so she could pikat my boyfriend.

pendek kata...

i miss everything.

i wanna go back melaka. now.

i cant wait for another 2 weeks.

i dont like kl.

and pj.

i dont like the traffic jam.

i dont like the loneliness in my office.

i dont like being alone everywhere i go.

i dont like that there's no one to cook for me and wash clothes for me.

basically i dont like anything about this place.

huh...

a new resolution

sometimes i feel that because of the mixed religion that i'm attached with since i was born, i actually have to at least know something about both religion. i should actually. but because i'm born into a family which is not so strict in terms of religion and culture, i end up not knowing a single thing about either religion. i do know just a little bit more about my chinese side and i'm totally clueless about my indian side. in indian culture there are many types of prayers and festivals. i used to think that deepavali is the only festivals the hindus celebrate. but upon knowing tigger, i learn that there are many other special festivals and prayers. of course, i would at times follow him to temples for prayers. but what i dont like about going to temples is that people would stare weirdly at me and that would aggitate me. and then i'll start cursing and right after that i'll feel guilty cos i realise that i'm cursing in the temple. i would like to learn more about both sides of my cultures.

so now, my new new year's reso would be to learn the cultures of both chinese and indian.

ta.

pantek punya boss

my ever hardworking boss is out of the country and will only be back next monday. niceeee..... work here berlambak and she can go overseas pula. geramnye...

anyway, there's a new temporary staff here. she only be here for 2 months or so. she's doing the data entry stuff for my office accounts. she's actually waiting for her spm results which will only be out in march. so i guess she'll be here till march. i like her. she has a sweet smile. likes to ask a lot of questions about me. well, at least i have got a teman here. i'm now typing this entry in my boss' office while she's sitting in my place. she asked me whether she can use the internet so i said ok. haha.... i dont care... my boss asked me to look and monitor her but i just dont care. i let her answer personal calls and sms during work, i let her stare and relax during work...hehe..jahat kan aku?... but i dont care. as long as she does her work then ok la....relek le bruder....dont so tensed during work like me...hehe...not good for your health. but seriously i feel nice that there's someone here i can talk and chat with. at least i'm chatting with a human being instead of to myself or "some other thing" hehe....

after work today, will be teman-ing tigger to the photo studio to take shots of his full self. he is attending the interview for flight attendant for emirates this sunday. i will be temaning him to go for the interview too. hmmmmm...maybe i should dress up nicely and wear super-high heels and make up myself well and teman him,,,maybe when the interviewer ternampak me then like my appearance then hire me on the spot...muahahahahahaha (evil laughter)...perasan la me......

another 2 weeks till i go back to my lovely melaka. i'm taking 1 week leave which means i'll be off for 9 days, longer than my christmas leave....muaahahahahahaha (evil laughter, again). i cant wait to go back. this time adrian will also be back but he's only on leave on the eve, 1st and 2nd day :( but anyway, better 3 days than no days at all.... i just wonder how might our relatives react now since adrian and me now has careers of our own. will they be jealous or just keep quiet like they always so? i guess they'll be much more interested in adrian's career than mine. they'll ask him which countries he has gone to, how much is his pay, bla bla bla....as for me, i predict they'll just ask me what and where am i working and thats it. complete silence. there's nothing much to say about my career. funny when adrian wasn't in this industry, no one even bothered to ask about him. now they're so interested. always ask whether got any free or discounted tickets. hello saudara mara ku....we the family still not yet get you think you can get ah???? we also never ask him for free tickets as much as you do la.....

enough of bitching.

now have to get back to work.

ta.

2-0-0-9

had a great time celebrating the new year's eve with tigger. although half the time i was tipsy. luckily there were no incriminating evidence lying around :) anyway, on new year's eve, we went to watch yes man in cineleisure in the evening. after that we just walked around and there were many people and it was jam-packed. i felt like sardine walking around. the fireworks in the curve was great. after that we went back to tigger's place in sg buloh.

during the weekend, we went back to tigger's place again. on saturday, me, tigger, his mum and 2 bros went to a temple in brickfields. after that, we went to batu caves. it was my first time there so i felt a bit jakun-y. later that night, we went to klang to visit tigger's family temple. right after that, we went to tigger's grandmother's house. we were there for bout half an hour. before we left, his grandmother grabbed my hand and brought me to look around the house. i felt so loved eventhough i dont understand her language.

well, had to come back to work on monday which was hell. so many work to do but bitch came in at about 12 something. then went out again to go to the bank. hello mak cik, you dont know that i'm suffering here, cleaning up your former staff's ass, and you can go mengembara with your ass-husband. and speaking of him, please ask him to brush his teeth once in a while la.

i cant tahan his stinky breath.

and i hate it when you try to push everything to me so that you can be free and hang out with your husband. if i have no other work then it's ok la. my work here berlambak here and you wanna top up more work for me. cettt!!!!

all your clients actually wanna scold you but since you're always not in the office, they divert their anger towards me pula. iisssshhhhhh..... if it is not because of the economy, i would have quit this job already...

on a lighter note, tigger might attend the walk-in interview for emirates for the position of flight steward this sunday.

y is everyone in the airline service nowadays???

what about me???

i cant cos i'm too short... :(