i hope one day you'll be on my side...

today was not a really fun day. i did some research in the morning but was quite bored. only in the afternoon my malay colleague gave me some work. and i noticed that maybe she gave me those work cos she thought she might not be able to finish it up on time. i felt a bit hurt as she only gave me work cos of that. i told my mum about it and as usual she blamed me. i wasn't complaining, i was just saying. they are great when i need help from them to teach me that's all. and she said that she noticed that i always complain about things wherever i work. no matter how much i say it, she just won't blame the other party and it is always my fault. and then she said the most hurtful thing to me...

"no wonder you don't have any friends..."

it was a stab in my heart. because i'm a bit sensitive when it comes to the subject of friends. she doesn't know how many times i've been betrayed by the people who used to be my "friends". she doesn't know all the threats i've received because i was being nice. she doesn't know that the reason why i berhati batu is because i really can't trust people anymore. people talk bad about me eventhough i've been nothing but nice to them. people think i'm a bad person just because i get mostly what i want. i've been backstabbed and lied to so many time and she doesn't know about all the hurt i've gone through because of friends. i don't wanna tell her all this. because i know she'll say it's my fault and that i deserve it. i hope one day she'll realise that no one is as perfect as her. and not everyone are able to be strong like her. my happy face is just a mask to cover up my sadness and sorrow. i won't take out this mask because i don't want her to blame me again.

from now on, i'll just do my work and be like a robot in the office. just follow everything they say and no need to be friends or try to be extra nice. i only want the experience, not to be nice and make friends there. from now on, this is what i'll do in every place i work. even if they talk shit about me, i'll just keep quiet and do my work and don't care about anything. i've already developed a thick skin because of all the bad experience since last time so i don't care! this is my life and i can do whatever i want. i don't need friends to make me feel good. i have 2 friends in my life (sara and andrea) and that's all. i don't need more friends. people nowadays are so fake and not trustworthy so it's better that i don't get myself into trouble. better be safe than sorry.

p/s: aikido pics will be posted up soon.